2015 A-Z

Some of my favourite things from 2015.

A - American Horror Story Hotel (TV), Attack on Titan (anime)
B - Blue Yeti (mic), Big Bang (music), Babymetal (music)
C - Cube Zero (movie)
D - Drawing, Dare Devil (TV), Dr Foster (TV)
E - Elgato (capture card), Ex Machina (movie)
F - FF7 remake announcement
G - Glasses Direct (shop), Game of Thrones (TV), GTA V (game)
H - House on Cold Hill (book), Horns (movie)
I - I Hate My Selfie (book), ICO (game)
J - Joy (movie), Jurassic World (movie)
K - Kirby the hamster, Kingdom Hearts 2 (game)
L - Lena, Life is Strange (game)
M - Minecraft (game), The Martian (movie), Miyavi (music)
N - New Nintendo 3DS 
O - Orange is the New Black (TV)
P - Parasyte (movie), Pixels (movie)
Q - Qwertee (shop)
R - The Returned (TV), Rammstein (music)
S - Silent Hill 2-4 (game), Slipknot (music)
T - Twitch.tv, Tomb Raider (game)
U - Unreal Tournament (game)
V - Vile (movie)
W - We need to talk about Kevin (movie), We the Kings (music)
X - XSplit (software)
Y - Youtube
Z - Zzzzzzz (sleep ;)

Goals for 2016

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This is a post I wanted to make mostly for my own reference. I’d like to make myself some goals for 2016, as cliché as that is, and revisit this post in a years time to see how well I did with each of them. I tend to be a bit rubbish at sticking to things so I hope this will be a small kick up the butt.

Weight – The biggest thing I’d like to accomplish in 2016 is definitely to lose some weight, and by some I mean around 4 stone (56lbs/25kg). I had put on some weight before I got pregnant with the Bubbas and just piled it on while I was pregnant. I tend to gain around 2-3 stone while pregnant which I know is bad but hey, healthy babies! Bubs will be 2 in February and I’m not sure if I’ve lost any of that extra weight at all yet. I’m not used to being this weight and it makes me unhappy (also I don’t think it helps my anxiety either) so I’m going to kick my own butt and get back down to a weight I feel happier with and more me I guess.

Twitch – So for those who don’t know, I actually first started streaming on Twitch.tv (then Justiv.tv) way back in summer of 2011, right after Minecraft first came out. All I did was stream Minecraft at the time and met loads of awesome people, getting around 800 followers. I streamed regularly for about 6 months before things blew up in my life and I stopped streaming. I only just started streaming again regularly in July this year, and I’m so glad I went back to it. The community is (mostly) awesome, and I’ve played and completed so many games that I never thought I’d ever play or replay. Twitch is a huge motivator for me to actually finish games instead of giving up part way through, and it is so satisfying. Getting to share the journey with fellow gamers is awesome and I’ve met so many great people. I will continue to stream on Twitch as often as I can in 2016 and am excited to see where I am at with it in a years time.

Anxiety – Challenging myself and my anxiety more is something I know I need to do, finding excuses to put things off or not do things is my speciality at the moment which I think is just making my anxiety worse. It’s far easier to not do or put off something that scares me than to even think of challenging or doing it. I have already started making more of an effort but I really want to work on this next year.

Blogging – Starting a blog was something I thought about doing for a while, but along with a few other things on my to do list, the idea got lost in the depths of my mind probably never to appear again. I’m so glad I actually got round to pulling it back out and, so far, have stuck with blogging on a regular basis. The outlet has been good for me in many different ways, being able to write about real issues I’m working through, a place to release my creative writing side, and encouraging me to make family days out into memorable blog posts I can come and look back on. My blogging will continue throughout 2016, I will be doing more creative writing, I have some unboxings planned and when I’m in the mood, I want to write about other more serious issues as well (depression, anxiety). But I mostly want this website to be a fun place made up of all sides of me.

Photos – I really want to take more photos, of family, my babies, flowers, the world in general and everything in it. Things I love, things I discover, things I want to remember and maybe some awkward selfies. I’ll be taking at least 1 picture every single day of 2016 and posting it on Instagram. Of course I will still do photo posts on here too. Go and follow me over on Instagram if you want to keep track of my progress there.

Marriage – Lastly but certainly not leastly (is that a word?), me and Daniel plan on getting married sometime in 2016. I never thought of myself as one to ever get married, mostly because we are not religious in the slightest, but being with Daniel has made me want to be his wifey and him my hubby. I’m even slightly excited about that thought. I definitely do not want a wedding so we will most likely just go and get married by ourselves one day, who knows when? How exciting.

Happy new year! Let’s make 2016 a happy and productive one 🙂

Mental Health: Self-harm

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My experiences with self-harm

None of this post is based on facts, it is all from my own personal experiences. I’m not a mental health professional, I am just somebody who went through, and overcame, self-harm. I write about this over 12 years since it started, and over 5 years since it ended. I still remember my first experience with self-harm as if it had happened yesterday, it wasn’t a conscious decision of “I think I will try self-harm today”, I don’t think I even really knew what it was or that it existed at that point. I just remember feeling incredibly sad. It felt like an out-of-body experience the first time, like I was watching somebody else do it, I had no control over it, and that scared me more than the act itself. The fact that I wasn’t in control of what I was doing was terrifying, and afterwards I just cried a lot, not really knowing or understanding what had just happened to me.

After that first time it slowly became more frequent until it became a daily thing, a habit, as much a part of my day as brushing my teeth. Except nobody knew but me, it was my secret, my way of coping with everyday. I still didn’t understand why I did it, I just knew that it helped, so I kept doing it. Eventually it became a thing I looked forward to, in a way a smoker looks forward to the next cigarette, the thought of knowing it was coming got me through the day and helped keep the bad thoughts away. After a few months it started to scare me again, because the need to do it was increasing and I knew it couldn’t carry on, but I didn’t know how to stop it either. One night it got too much, and without really thinking about it I called my best friend and asked her to come over. I showed her my scars and cuts and told her what I had been doing, and that I was scared because I didn’t know why. That was the start of my very slow recovery.

What you think you know about self-harm

Doing it for attention – I know this was a common thought around self-harm, they just do it for attention, certainly in my case this was not true. Every time I cut I made sure I hid it from everyone. Doing it in places that are easily covered by clothes, wearing long sleeves, I was always so paranoid about someone noticing them and asking me about it. I felt such a sense of shame about it, I knew it wasn’t “normal”, I knew people would judge me badly. I was also afraid that if people knew, they would want me to stop doing it, which at the time was unthinkable for me. I’m sure in some cases of self-harmers it may well be a cry out for attention, for someone to notice that “Hey, I am not okay, please help me.” when they physically can’t say the words. But for me it was a very private thing.

Suicidal – It may be hard for someone to understand that self-harmers are in fact not suicidal. Self-harming is a coping mechanism, people self-harm because they want to live, they want things to get better. Self-harming makes the world seem a little more bearable to live in, if only temporarily. People that are suicidal don’t usually self-harm before they attempt suicide. The act of self-harming is in no way life threatening, it is in most cases, minor injuries. Most commonly, cuts made with razor blades, scissors or small knives. Sometimes it could be burns, scratching with nails, snapping rubber bands on the wrist, even getting piercings and tattoos. There are many different forms of self-harming, but mostly it will result in nothing that will need medical attention. If self-harming for someone develops into something more serious and they start to become suicidal, then the cuts will get deeper and self-harm will no longer help with the bad thoughts but instead make them worse. This is why it is so important for people to get help with stopping the self-harm before it turns from a coping mechanism into a possible way out. This obviously all depends on the persons circumstances, tragic life events for self-harmers usually result in suicidal tendencies.

Selfish – People may think that self-harmers are selfish, mostly in cases where family or friends are aware of them doing it, but the self-harm continues. A self-harmer telling someone who they self-harm is not a cure for them, it is a way of trying to make it stop. It will not stop overnight, whether the parents, siblings or best friends of the self-harmer know about it or not. Much like an alcoholic seeking help for their addiction, it will not stop suddenly, it will take time and there will be lapses. The self-harmer is not trying to hurt you by harming themselves, as much as it will hurt you to know that they do it. The fact that they have told you about it means that they want to get better and to stop.

Just stop doing it – Once again, for self-harmers, to just suddenly stop self-harming is not possible. It does become a daily addiction, a reliant way of making them feel better. Smokers are weaned off of cigarettes slowly, self-harmers need to stop harming gradually. A sudden complete stop or restriction can cause adverse effects and panic, making the whole matter a lot worse.

My message to self-harmers

First off, you are not alone. There are so many people dealing with this and feeling the way you do right now, and so many people who have overcome self-harm. You might feel right now that you won’t ever be able to stop, but you will. If you haven’t told anyone yet, find someone who you trust and tell them. Find the strength to go and see a doctor, they are not there to judge you, they are there to help you get better and you won’t be the first person they have helped with this. See a councillor and try to find out why you self-harm, once you figure that out it is much easier to take the next step in moving forward. If you already know why you’re self-harming, talking to a councillor can help you to deal with it better mentally. If you are a cutter, try replacing it with an elastic band on your wrist. You can wear it all the time and snap it whenever you need to, this helped me to stop cutting in the beginning. You will have lapses on the road to recovery, if you do have a lapse, do not beat yourself up about it. Take each day at a time and find people that you can talk  to whenever you feel like you need to harm. Eventually you won’t be afraid of people seeing your scars, because you will know you’re getting better and your scars will be a reminder of how far you have come and how much of a stronger person you are. Also I am always here if you need someone to talk to: adelebeforedawn@gmail.com

My message to people who know self-harmers

If you know someone who self-harms because they told you they do or you suspect they do, talk to them. If it is them that told you about it, that means they want your help and they want to talk to you about it. Don’t be afraid to talk to them, don’t treat them like a fragile glass ornament that may break at any moment. Encourage them to seek professional help, go with them to their appointments even if it just means sitting in the waiting room. If you are a parent of a self-harmer, please don’t try to fix it by hiding every sharp object in the house, this is not going to help and may end up causing panic and making things worse. The best thing you can do is to make sure they’re getting help, talk to them as often as you can without babying. They will still need their own space and won’t want to be under surveillance, so give them space. Let them know how much you care and how much they mean to you. As hard as it might be to find a positive approach, it is important that you talk to them positively, more negativity will make things worse. If it is someone you suspect of self-harming and you are worried, try asking them about it. Chances are they will deny it so just let them know you are always there for them to talk to about anything, and if they are self-harming, they will most likely take you up on your offer sooner or later.

Moving forward

Recovery for me was very hard, and I had plenty of lapses, but here I am over 5 years after my last self-harm and thankfully seem to be over the worst. Of course circumstances and life play a major part in any ones mental health, but changing my circumstances several times over the years, both positively and negatively impacted my self-harming patterns. Cut the shit people out of your life if you can, if it is your surroundings that upsets you then move. I still have plenty of other issues I am trying to work through, but thankfully now, self-harm isn’t one of them. When shit things happen now I have learnt to deal with them differently, I know now that in the long run, self-harm only does bad for your mental health and just isn’t worth it. My very faint scars that only I can notice now are a constant reminder for me of how far I have come.

Self-harm is when somebody intentionally damages or injures their body. It’s usually a way of coping with or expressing overwhelming emotional distress.

Sometimes when people self-harm, they feel on some level that they intend to die. Over half of people who die by suicide have a history of self-harm.

However, the intention is more often to punish themselves, express their distress or relieve unbearable tension. Sometimes the reason is a mixture of both.

Self-harm can also be a cry for help.

Some people have also described self-harm as a way to:

  • express something that is hard to put into words
  • make experiences, thoughts or feelings that feel invisible into something visible
  • change emotional pain into physical pain
  • reduce overwhelming emotional feelings or thoughts
  • have a sense of being in control
  • escape traumatic memories
  • stop feeling numb, disconnected or dissociated (see dissociative disorders)
  • create a reason to physically care for yourself
  • express suicidal feelings and thoughts without taking your own life
  • communicate to other people who you are experiencing severe distress.

Remember, you deserve to get better. Your life matters.

Kingdom Hearts – My Review

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May contain spoilers

Released on PlayStation 2 in 2002.

Released on PlayStation 3 in 2013.

Featured Final Fantasy characters: Tidus, Wakka, Selphie, Squall, Yuffie, Aerith, Cid, Cloud, Sephiroth, Moogles.

Featured Disney movies: Alice in Wonderland, Hercules, Tarzan,  Aladdin, The Little Mermaid, A Nightmare before Christmas, Pinocchio, Peter Pan, Beauty and the Beast, The Sword in the Stone, Winnie the Pooh, 101 Dalmations, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, Lady and the Tramp, Mulan, The Lion King, Dumbo, Fantasia.

Plot: So basically, you play as Sora, a kid that lives on an island with his friends Riku and Kairi. Then these shadow dudes (heartless) come to the island and cause havoc, Sora and the others get split up and send to other ‘worlds’. Waking up in Traverse Town, you as Sora are then on a mission ( with the help of Donald Duck and Goofy, why not?) to find your friends again. Wielding the mysterious Keyblade, your mission is to travel from world to world, finding keyholes in each and locking them with your Keyblade to eventually prevent the heartless from entering. Meanwhile, Maleficent and Jafar and kidnapping princesses to unlock their hearts? Use their hearts? For evil doings of course. I won’t say how it ends but that dude Ansem is really annoying. Also, poor Kairi.

Worlds: Some of the worlds were really fun, where as others (or most), I found to be more annoying. Some of them just felt like endless mazes and I found myself completely lost or circling the same area for 30 minutes before finding where I’m supposed to go next. Fine examples of this were the Tarzan and Little Mermaid levels. Not to mention how infuriating some of the world bosses were to defeat, Ursula I’m looking at you.

Pros: The graphics and art style is very final Fantasy, which for me being a Final Fantasy fan, I really liked. The music throughout the game is amazing, especially on THAT boss (you know the one I mean if you have played this game already) and the songs at the start and end of the game (Utada Hikaru, YUS). The story between the main characters is charming until the very end. DALMATION PUPPIES.

Cons: Fighting the heartless sometimes gets repetitive and tedious, but is needed to be able to beat the game. The worlds were sometimes very confusing as to where to go next, I get the need for a challenge but usually it would leave me frustrated after running around in circles a few times. THE CAMERA ANGLES were awful. The end ‘bosses’ were a bit over the top, how many final forms does a guy really need?

Overall: I’m glad I went back to play this after so many years and beat the game, am I in a hurry to replay it? No. Would I recommend it to others? Only if you’re a fan of both Disney AND the Final Fantasy series.

My Rating: 6.5/10